Big Leo Energy

**Edited from a journal entry 2/5/23...be gentle**

Tonight is a full moon in Leo which, according to my sources, holds strong energy inviting certain signs, such as Leo, to look at and let go of things that are holding us back from our truest, biggest, boldest self-expression. I happen to be a Leo and coincidentally, or is it..., I have been pondering ways in which I've been holding myself back a lot lately. Now, I feel we are all such complex, multifaceted, interconnected beings, so it may be hard for me to concisely elaborate on some of my reflections. However, I intend to try. 

One of the many reflections I've been working on for years, really, is this struggle I have to let my guard down professionally. Lately, though, I have a desire, and really at this point a need for my health and sanity, to show up more cohesively in all facets of my life. I am aware, or at least one of my concerns in sharing this is, that it may come off that I am fake or not authentic. In reality, we all have the ability to compartmentalize in our lives and I happen to be very practiced in compartmentalizing, specifically, my professional self from my personal life self.  Some distinctions: 

Professional Court 

• Measured, reserved, observant, often keep ideas/ opinions to myself 

• Thorough, detail-oriented, often labeled a perfectionist 

• Task & goal focused 

• Agreeable, passive 

Personal Court

• Goofy, Sarcastic, witty, playful 

• Adventurous, spontaneous, likes to be in the world observing/absorbing energy 

• Outspoken and passionate w/ close friends & family, open to hard, vulnerable conversations 

• Spiritual, intuitive, empathic

While these are not exhaustive or mutually exclusive lists, they are some general distinctions I've become aware of through self-reflection. I do not believe any attributes are better or worse. I have been working very hard at adopting the philosophy that we have many "parts" and there are "no bad parts" (thanks, IFS therapy, for these tools). That being said, I have come to realize that my tendencies in professional settings often leave me feeling stifled, unheard, unknown, and not really my Self. 

I would be remiss if I did not share some factors, as I see them, which have contributed to this conditioned and cultivated professional and personal division. Let's start way back in elementary and middle school when it became apparent that I was an above-average student. I received good grades, I was on a spelling bee team, I was successful at 4-H Quiz bowl (think trivia about horses), I was often selected to share projects and selected to give my 8th-grade graduation speech (to my terror), and all the while, was successful at showing horses with my sister…a lot of trophies and ribbons were collected if you get my drift. And no, this is not me trying to brag, humbly or otherwise. I was like many children who receive a substantial dose of outside validation and affirmation for achievements. Enter perfectionism. 

This academic and eventually athletic achievement carried on through high school and college. I played select travel field hockey and was recruited to play in college (spoiler: after the first division loss in 6 years my freshman year, I got cut sophomore year when the coach really shook up the team). While I certainly wasn’t the valedictorian in high school or college, I graduated near the top of my classes and finished college a semester early with honors. 

Following college graduation and an enlightening adventure in Australia, I obtained my real estate license at 23. This may not sound unique to people not in real estate, but, according to the National Association of Realtors®, the median age of Realtors® is 56... I liken this to people who are born and raised in Nashville and still reside here. We call those people unicorns as so many people have relocated to Middle TN from elsewhere. I am going on the record saying anyone who obtains their real estate license right out of school, and without any prior career(s), is a unicorn.

Suffice to say, my unicorn status made me the youngest in pretty much every room I entered. At 31, I am often still on the "young" end in many rooms. I feared not being taken seriously and felt the need to mature myself in professional settings. Society has a tendency to correlate age to aptitude/proficiency. While life experience, i.e. age, can correlate with proficiency, more life/years of experience does not always translate to professional prowess. A dynamic is created in which young people automatically have to strive to prove themselves because of age alone. At one of my first listing appointments, the woman said, "You did a great job dear, I think you're lovely, I'd love to give you the listing, but my grandchildren are older than you..." Long story short, I got the listing but had to have a more senior agent co-list with me to do so. I was happy to make the adjustment but that pointed roadblock based on my age set the tone for my professional experience.

Although I could go on, I'll offer one more weight I’ve taken upon myself which has contributed to my personal/professional division. Based on nature and conditioning, women are often more submissive, helpful, and nurturing. The corporate world and many professions were structured by/for men. Women have historically been in supportive roles and underpaid in comparison to men. To think these factors do not have negative conditioned impacts on many women is a further insult to our contributions to the workforce. That being said, and paired with my enneagram 9 nature of peace person (wing 1 perfection/reformer…I’m a very conflicted person), I often find it hard to speak up in professional settings. I've struggled to understand and advocate for my value and worth in business. I acknowledge a number of limits I placed upon myself by accepting such conditioning. These internalized female-conditioned traits are weights I’m ready to look at and let go of with this strong Leo full moon energy. 

As I wrap this up, I’m reminded that my Leo full moon guided meditation encouraged us to share ourselves and our light and shine. As we shine in our fully authentic, aligned, individual lights, we give others permission to do the same. Sometimes, thinking of how I would treat others versus how I treat myself helps me realize ways in which I need to be more gentle with myself. Thinking of sharing my Self with the world as an invitation for others to be themselves hits home for me.

Following are some things I’m releasing and shifting:

• Releasing playing small, being quiet, not speaking up & sharing ideas, and being guarded and measured

• Welcoming fun and playful energy, intuition, and openness

• Allowing a more raw, unpolished version of myself to take the lead 

• Releasing perfectionism (yes, I realize perfection is not real) and welcoming the opportunity to be my imperfect Self and still show up in the world

In the words of Heath Ledger’s Joker, "Why so serious?" Here's to welcoming and embracing a more aligned, light, open, and bold Court. 

Happy Big Leo Energy to you all!

💗 Court