A love letter to NOX...

I'll start by saying, you're sleeping like a sweet, precious, peaceful little angel behind me, curled up like a tiny donut on the couch with a sliver of sunlight slowly moving past you...

See, I found you at an interesting time...I had wanted a dog for years. For years, I brought it up to my family, "I want to get a puppy" I'd say. "You can't get a puppy right now," they'd respond. For years, this went on. For years, I stalked shelter sites and that site where pets are found.

2016 was a brutal year...it was supposed to be my "golden year" 25 years old because my birthday is on the 25th, but it was anything but. One of my favorite humans unexpectedly and traumatically left us to join our angels. Not long after, her other half followed. I was grieving, lost, devastated, confused, unsure about my life and what I wanted, where I was going, where I wanted to be. All the while, holding on to a relationship too tightly, one that I knew was never going to last because it was nothing like the one my family just said goodbye to.

Almost a month to the day that we held a funeral for our second angel lost that year, you came across my computer screen. I was sitting in my office at the time on weekend desk duty, days after the new year when absolutely no one would be walking in looking for real estate. And I saw you, your little bat ears and knowing eyes locked with mine through a screen.

I immediately sent a screen shot to my family, "I have to get this puppy!" and for the first time, they responded with, "Oh my god he's so cute," instead of dismissal. I sent you to the relationship that was never going to last saying, "I want to get him," and he was on board too.

I immediately filled out the application, I started planning, started a list of names like an expectant mother, trying them out, telling them to family and friends but none of them stuck. Until one day, I was driving by the mountain that would soon become my safe haven, the mountain looming over my hometown, the mountain that became your namesake.

NOX, short for Equinox, as in the mountain in the green mountain state..also a Harry Potter spell but I didn't come to that happy coincidence until a little later. And it stuck.

Two weeks later, I drove with mom and dad to pick you up from a driver that drove you north. You were one of the lucky ones. A discarded puppy from the south, someone had put you in a box in Georgia and said "Free Puppy" before a shelter went and scooped you up. They held on to you and kept you happy and safe until I found you 4 months later.

You immediately ran up to me, jumped on on me and ripped my winter parka with your sharp little puppy claws, but I didn't care. We sat in the back of the car on the way home and you sniffed around the car and kissed my face until you curled up and fell asleep.

You were my immediate snuggle buddy, my house-showing companion. We went on adventures and roadtrips. I learned quickly that you care more about balls and people than most dogs. You love to swim so much I thought you'd drown in the pond that first summer. Turns out you are terrified of ropes though... I learned you are part fish, part frog, part burrito. You have a very hard time keeping your tongue in your mouth when it's hot. And you were an expert goose patrol pup at a country club with your name on a sign and everything in our former life.

A few seasons passed and, finally, I was ready to say goodbye to that relationship that was never going to last. I had made it clear that you were my puppy, I found you, I paid your adoption fees, I paid for your care and vet bills, you were mine. So, I packed us up and moved us back in with mom and dad.

Enter a continued year of grieving, wandering, wondering what I wanted and where I wanted to be. We spend so many days in the woods. On that mountain that gave you your name, on other trails around our town. So many days, so many hours, so many miles trying to find myself among the trees with you by my side. I left you in VT a few times while I went exploring, until I found our next place--Music City, Nashville, TN.

And just like that, we were off again on another phase of life, on another journey. Country kids going to the "big city" and no, we didn't want to be country music stars. We walked around our new city, explored, and had so much fun that first year. Until that one year...you know the one, everyone knows the one. Enter 2020...

You laid on top of me in the closet as a tornado swirled and spun around and around over us. You literally held me down and were the only other living thing by my side at one of the scariest moments of my life. A lot changed that year. I changed, you changed, we've done a lot of changing and a lot of life together.

You're my mirror when I need to see myself clearly. When I wasn't eating or was in a mood, you reflected that back to me. When the world feels like it's too much to navigate, you give me a reason to go outside and brave it, to look at the sun and the stars, feel the air brush my skin. You make me laugh when I need it, you listen to my insane ramblings, you love to dance as much as I do but hate pictures as much as I do. When I'm anxious, you usually tell me before I acknowledge it myself.

I've done a lot of work since that year, those years, really. I've invested so much time and money into my mental health and wellbeing. I've tried to help you too but puppies can't go to therapy and tell us there problems. You are more anxious now than before. You grayed so young, people have thought you were an old man for years and I just sadly chuckle and tell them you grayed early from stress following the tornado.

But still, you are the constant light of my life. Many lonely times with just one another. Stoop coffee dates (yours in cookie form), more miles, hours, and days on the trails. So many ball throws and kicks, laughs and cuddles. I am listening to your adorable little puppy snore right now, the only snore I can stand. I want to go stroke your cold little nose, always cold like mine, and grin at your little black bottom lip that pokes out when you're sleepy. But I wont wake you, you're tired from this mornings adventure.

Our miles are slowly but surely getting shorter and slower. You still get these wild bursts of puppy energy, though, running up and down the trail and through the stream at your favorite park. But then you're sore and tired for the remainder of the day. The vet told me at your last visit that your eyes were getting a little cloudy, "He can still see, but it's starting" she said. I wasn't ready to hear that. I'm not ready but I think about it often lately as we age and as we just said goodbye to your best buddy...

I've been wondering why, all morning, I've been feeling so nostalgic, so sentimental, so emotional. And I think that's why. When we said goodbye to your buddy, Gus, a few weeks ago, it cracked our hearts a little. Another goodest boy rescue that found our family and took up a big old spot in each of our hearts.

I saw it crack your heart too when we went home for Christmas and you wandered around looking for him. Sniffing from room to room, looking out the window. Once again, I wished I could help you and make you feel better. I wish you could tell me your feelings, I wish I knew what your voice sounds like and what goes through your head. Once again, you've unknowingly helped me work through some emotions I've clearly been avoiding. Or maybe you do know, maybe the lesson in all this rambling is that you know way more than I'll every know my special little earth angel pup.

Ok, the day is getting away from me and I need to return to the present and current day life..but you still sleep behind me, your little puppy snore going, your paw now draped over your cold nose as you often do. As I go to end this love letter and sign off..I don't know how to sign it. I wonder what you'd call me..I call you my baby, my snuggle bunny, so many terms of endearment, and I wonder now, what you would call me...

💗 Me